Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Signs of codependency

• feelings responsible for other people’s problems
• feeling guilty when your help isn’t effective
• Low self esteem
• trying to control people
• being very sensitive to criticism
• suppressing your emotions instead of confronting your partner with them
• tendency to look for those who need help
• having intense fear of rejection
• having intense fear of abandonment
• feeling insecure
• having a sense of inadequacy

Let me explain more:

1. I get feelings of self worth if I feel liked by others, so I spend a lot of time doing things I think will make me “liked.”
2. I am a “people pleaser.” I give people what I think they want, and tell people what think they want to hear. I often do this without knowing it at the time, and don’t realize it until later, when I find myself uncomfortable or unsatisfied with the situation.
3. I value other people’s opinions more than my own.
4. I usually put everyone else’s needs above my own. I do not value my needs as much as I value others’.
5. It feels selfish to put my own needs first.
6. I have a hard time engaging in self-care behaviors; I tend to feel guilty if I do something for myself, or if someone else does something for me. I would rather focus my caring attentions on someone else.
7. I usually deny, downplay, justify, or ignore my own feelings, and focus on others’.
8. I eventually resent when others do not do for me, even though I have difficulty asking for what I want.
9. I feel extremely uncomfortable about feeling vulnerable.
10. I have a difficult time saying “no” or setting healthy boundaries with people.
11. I feel most happy when I am giving in a relationship. I do not feel comfortable being on the receiving end.
12. I feel very uncomfortable asking for help. I am much more comfortable being the one in the “helper” role.
13. I avoid other people’s anger at all costs.
14. I avoid conflict whenever possible.
15. I avoid most of my own feelings whenever possible by focusing on other people’s.
16.   One or more of my parents or significant relatives was/is an alcoholic or an addict.
17. I feel best about myself when I have helped solve other people’s problems. It is very important for me to feel like I am nurturing someone.
18. I feel most comfortable when I am in control of situations, people, and things. Some ways this may show up in my life: giving advice, telling others what to do, how to live, what to wear, what is wrong with their behavior, and/or how they can fix themselves or their problems.
19. I spend a lot of time worrying or obsessing about how a situation is going to play out before it happens, in order to try and plan for every contingency. This becomes very tiring after a while.
20. Often worrying gets in the way of my life, which causes me to have at least one of the following: sleep problems, lack of energy level, unhealthy eating habits, stress related anxiety.
21.  When I am in a significant relationship, I usually end up setting aside my own interests and allow my partner’s interests to become mine. OR, my partner tends to do this.
22. I choose relationships based on “need.” I really like to be needed, and am attracted to needy people, or people whom I can help.
23. I feel an emptiness, or loneliness when I am not in a romantic relationship. I tend to be a “serial monogamist,” moving from one romantic relationship to another without much time in between.
24. I have always believed that there is one special person out there who will fulfill every romantic, psychological and spiritual need of mine. I live my life in search of “the one.”
25. I love the feeling of being “in love,” and after a relationship develops past this stage, I lose interest or experience a feeling of dissatisfaction.
26. I allow my social circle to decrease or completely disappear when I become involved with a romantic partner. I do this because I experience that all of my needs are being met by my partner.
27. I am afraid of being rejected, and avoid it at all costs. This often shows up as avoiding risk-taking, so as not to be hurt.
28. I tend to emotionally withdraw when I feel rejected or feel afraid of the risk of rejection.
29. I am uncomfortable when things are calm. I am often waiting for the “other shoe to fall,” both fearing and/or expecting a crisis or drama in order to feel like things are somehow “normal” again.
30. I am often like a chameleon, changing my values to match the values of the person I am with. My true values tend to get put aside so that I can feel a connection with a partner, or I may not even be aware of what my values are. OR, my partners tend to do this.
31. I am like an emotion-sponge. I absorb whatever emotions are going on around me. This makes it hard for me to be around uncomfortable situations without me feeling like I “take on” the feelings of people around me.
32. I am unable to self-regulate when there is chaos or confusion around me. I feel out of control.
33. I am a perfectionist, and nothing is ever good enough for me, especially myself. OR, the partners I get involved with tend to be so.
34. I feel responsible when other people are in pain or suffering. I feel like I have to DO something to force a solution or an outcome.