در هیاهوی زندگی دریافتم چه دویدن هاییکه فقط پاهایم را ازمن گرفت در حالیکه گویی ایستاده بودم چه غصه هاییکه فقط باعث سپیدی مويم شد در حالیکه قصه ای کودکانه بیش نبود
دریافتم کسی هست که اگر بخواهد میشود و اگر نه نمیشود. کاش نه میدویدم و نه غصه میخوردم. فقط او را میخواندم.

Lessons In Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in

the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. 

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest, and don't judge life by one difficult season.........

شعر:خوش به حالِ غنچه های نیمه باز(فریدون مشیری)

خوش به حالِ غنچه های نیمه باز

بوی باران، بوی سبزه، بوی خاک،

شاخه های شسته، باران خورده، پاک 

آسمان آبی و ابر سپید ،

برگ های سبز بید،

عطر نرگس، رقص باد،

نغمه ی شوق پرستو های شاد،

خلوت گرم کبوترهای مست...

نرم نرمک می رسد اینک بهار،

خوش به حال روزگار !

خوش به حال چشمه ها و دشت ها،

خوش به حال دانه ها و سبزه ها،

خوش به حال غنچه های نیمه باز،

خوش به حال دختر میخک - که می خندد به ناز-

خوش به حال جام لبریز از شراب،

خوش به حال آفتاب.

اي دل من ، گرچه - در اين روزگار -

جامه ی رنگین نمی پوشی به کام،

باده ی رنگین نمی نوشی ز جام ،

نُقل و سبزه در میان سفره نیست،

جامت - از آن می که می باید – تهی است؛

ای دریغ از تو اگر چون گل نرقصی با نسیم !

ای دریغ از من اگر مستم نسازد آفتاب !

ای دریغ از ما اگر کامی نگیریم از بهار.

گر نکوبی شیشه ی غم را به سنگ؛

هفت رنگش می شود هفتاد رنگ!

Abusive families and character formation:

Family research studies confirm that abusive parents tend to be

 undifferentiated partners who competewith each other and with their children 

for attention and nurturance. More or less healthy parents make demands on 

children to counteract their own injured narcissism, but they do so largely 

without devaluation and the sadistic use of projective identification. Under 

sufficient stress abusive parents attack the child who fails to gratify their 

needs, thereby giving vent to longstanding frustrations and feelings of being 

threatened by the child's individuation and competency. The emotional 

atmosphere in such families facilitates ego deficits like those of the borderline 

personality as it molds the child's efforts to avoid anxiety. Devaluation, loss, 

and defenses against mourning partially account for depression and paranoid 

traits in abused youngsters. Early neglect and abuse exposes them to 

influential models who act out rage and primitive defenses. Some abused 

individuals project their rage and later become paranoid or antisocial, whereas 

others fragment or retain infantile defenses. The destructiveness of severe 

psychological abuse lies in the constriction of the experiencing self and 

healthy character development, together with the conditioning to repeat 

abusive relationships and to avoid intimacy. Achieving individuation under 

these circumstances entails overcoming the internalized abusive relationships 

and relinquishing the unconscious wish to be transformed from the abused 

into the abuser.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2221200

Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Signs of codependency

• feelings responsible for other people’s problems
• feeling guilty when your help isn’t effective
• Low self esteem
• trying to control people
• being very sensitive to criticism
• suppressing your emotions instead of confronting your partner with them
• tendency to look for those who need help
• having intense fear of rejection
• having intense fear of abandonment
• feeling insecure
• having a sense of inadequacy

Let me explain more:

1. I get feelings of self worth if I feel liked by others, so I spend a lot of time doing things I think will make me “liked.”
2. I am a “people pleaser.” I give people what I think they want, and tell people what think they want to hear. I often do this without knowing it at the time, and don’t realize it until later, when I find myself uncomfortable or unsatisfied with the situation.
3. I value other people’s opinions more than my own.
4. I usually put everyone else’s needs above my own. I do not value my needs as much as I value others’.
5. It feels selfish to put my own needs first.
6. I have a hard time engaging in self-care behaviors; I tend to feel guilty if I do something for myself, or if someone else does something for me. I would rather focus my caring attentions on someone else.
7. I usually deny, downplay, justify, or ignore my own feelings, and focus on others’.
8. I eventually resent when others do not do for me, even though I have difficulty asking for what I want.
9. I feel extremely uncomfortable about feeling vulnerable.
10. I have a difficult time saying “no” or setting healthy boundaries with people.
11. I feel most happy when I am giving in a relationship. I do not feel comfortable being on the receiving end.
12. I feel very uncomfortable asking for help. I am much more comfortable being the one in the “helper” role.
13. I avoid other people’s anger at all costs.
14. I avoid conflict whenever possible.
15. I avoid most of my own feelings whenever possible by focusing on other people’s.
16.   One or more of my parents or significant relatives was/is an alcoholic or an addict.
17. I feel best about myself when I have helped solve other people’s problems. It is very important for me to feel like I am nurturing someone.
18. I feel most comfortable when I am in control of situations, people, and things. Some ways this may show up in my life: giving advice, telling others what to do, how to live, what to wear, what is wrong with their behavior, and/or how they can fix themselves or their problems.
19. I spend a lot of time worrying or obsessing about how a situation is going to play out before it happens, in order to try and plan for every contingency. This becomes very tiring after a while.
20. Often worrying gets in the way of my life, which causes me to have at least one of the following: sleep problems, lack of energy level, unhealthy eating habits, stress related anxiety.
21.  When I am in a significant relationship, I usually end up setting aside my own interests and allow my partner’s interests to become mine. OR, my partner tends to do this.
22. I choose relationships based on “need.” I really like to be needed, and am attracted to needy people, or people whom I can help.
23. I feel an emptiness, or loneliness when I am not in a romantic relationship. I tend to be a “serial monogamist,” moving from one romantic relationship to another without much time in between.
24. I have always believed that there is one special person out there who will fulfill every romantic, psychological and spiritual need of mine. I live my life in search of “the one.”
25. I love the feeling of being “in love,” and after a relationship develops past this stage, I lose interest or experience a feeling of dissatisfaction.
26. I allow my social circle to decrease or completely disappear when I become involved with a romantic partner. I do this because I experience that all of my needs are being met by my partner.
27. I am afraid of being rejected, and avoid it at all costs. This often shows up as avoiding risk-taking, so as not to be hurt.
28. I tend to emotionally withdraw when I feel rejected or feel afraid of the risk of rejection.
29. I am uncomfortable when things are calm. I am often waiting for the “other shoe to fall,” both fearing and/or expecting a crisis or drama in order to feel like things are somehow “normal” again.
30. I am often like a chameleon, changing my values to match the values of the person I am with. My true values tend to get put aside so that I can feel a connection with a partner, or I may not even be aware of what my values are. OR, my partners tend to do this.
31. I am like an emotion-sponge. I absorb whatever emotions are going on around me. This makes it hard for me to be around uncomfortable situations without me feeling like I “take on” the feelings of people around me.
32. I am unable to self-regulate when there is chaos or confusion around me. I feel out of control.
33. I am a perfectionist, and nothing is ever good enough for me, especially myself. OR, the partners I get involved with tend to be so.
34. I feel responsible when other people are in pain or suffering. I feel like I have to DO something to force a solution or an outcome.